When composure becomes impossible.

Sometimes it takes all I have to keep from yelling back.

When you yell at me, I deserve the right to defend myself. Yet, I’m not granted it. You accuse me of things I do not do and I’m not allowed to speak up.

When you hit me, I deserve the right to defend myself. Especially when I’ve done nothing to deserve the hitting to start with.

I used to sit back and take it all. I really did. Then there came a point when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve been fighting back for over a year.

I don’t know how to deal with you now. It’s been hell here for almost a month.

I want my girlfriend. I need her. I’m sick of being told I’m covered in sin.

I am the one sinning dear mother. It isn’t me.

I’ve done nothing wrong. I love her. With every amount of love one can have for someone.

Right now, I want to cry. I want to cry for days on end.

I honestly don’t know how to handle this. I really don’t.

You’re killing me. Can’t you see? There is nothing wrong with me.

“You condemn what you don’t understand. You throw stones when you live in glass houses. So fragile, so easily broken. Why must you break another?

Sickness you scream. Should have went to church, shouldn’t have been their friends.”

That’s actually part of a song I wrote. I wrote it a long time ago. The amusing part is it fits my family perfect.

Earlier while I was watching Jerry Springer my mom came in the room and started yelling at me about how this one girl was a guy (Which she wasn’t.) and how the other girl was disgusting. The people on the screen were three women. All three lesbians. The one who she said was disgusting was cheating with the girl my mom thought was a guy and the other girl was just…pissed and hurt.

My point in saying this is she then turned it around on me. Saying how I disgust her. How she wants her little girl back. I can’t handle this. It’s killing me to hear her say all this.

She’s not coping with it. She’s not even trying. She’s just condemning me.

Last night I read the notes my girlfriend has written me. I started crying. I was sitting on my bed crying. I’m not good enough for her and I know it. I’m terrified she’s going to wake up and realize she could do so much better and just walk away from me.

One of her notes told me me that if I ever doubt her even for a moment to read it. It was precious. It really was.

I love her. I need her. Whether my mom understands that or not, I’m not going to leave the girl I’ve loved for a year.

Not a chance.

If you’re wondering why my tumblr is completely anonymous, it’s because this is my escape from my life.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. Well. Most of the time. I have amazing friends and an amazing girlfriend. It’s just sometimes I need a way to get away and say whatever I want without worrying someone I know will see.